Chompers

Episode #21 of Andy's Podcaster Podcasting Podcast

Transcript

Episode #21

Intro Music

ANDY

It’s Andy’s Podcaster Podcasting Podcast

TIME CHECK

It’s ten thirty am.

SIERRA & BLAISE

CRAZY TIME.

ANDY

Come and brush your teeth… please… there has to be an easy way!

TIME CHECK

It’s 5pm

ANDY

Welcome to the show. Day 51 of pandemic lock down. I hope you’re doing alright. We’re holding it together. We’re lucky, able to work online and still pay all the bills. I’m hitting the store once every two weeks or so for a big shop and we have a lot of nature trails that are pretty close and not packed with people, so we’re getting out for a couple of hours each day. We’ve even waded off trail down the North West Branch of the Anacostia river and found some private and secret river bank beaches that we’ve made our own. Covered with little Andy Goldsworthy style nature sculptures of driftwood and sparkly shale stone filled with Mica. That’s why this area is called Silver Spring, because of the Mica deposits in the local streams and creeks. Part of the DC Urban Sprawl, nine miles from the White House but in Maryland and full of green space, Rock Creek Park, Sligo Creek and the North West Branch of the Anacostia River. SO we’re doing alright. I get the kids reading and writing every day and Sierra has daily zoom classes and basic math assignments and Blaise zooms into his preK group and gets to see his friends and sing a song with them and has a story read to him three times a week. We’re doing well, it’s obviously weird and stressful and uncertainty and fear of illness does have us down from time to time but we are making sure we are cutting each other slack whenever we need it and self medicate with treats and movies and alcohol. My buddy Doug who’s lone of the top bartenders in DC, he works out of Morris American Bar and they changed the laws so they can deliver alcohol and he dropped off some amazing drinks the other day. I’ll put a link in the transcript, if you’re in the District, spoil yourselves. What else was there, oh, I guested on another show a week or so ago, had a laugh with Joe at the Potentium Podcast. He cracks me up with a take down of this other Podcast that is basically a mouthpiece QAnon conspiracy stuff. I’ll put a link in the transcript if you want to check that out. SO, As you just heard, the kids do get a little stir crazy from time to time, particularly in the mad hour before bed and I’m sick of being toot brush monitor so I’m really glad to have found the Podcast I’m reviewing today… 

Music - Rise of the Black Centipede - Mario Rom’s Interzone

ANDY

It’s… Review… Time…. MMMMWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sfx - radio static -

ANDY

There are now over a million active podcasts being produced in the world. There are Podcasts on every aspect of human interest and endeavor. SO of course there’s a podcast to help me get my kids brushing their teeth. It’s called CHOMPERS and it’s the brainchild of Rachel Ward a radio producer out of New York City who now makes podcasts for Gimlet Media. It’s a 3-4 minute show that comes out twice a day, morning and night and it’s provides a soundtrack of jokes, music and educational facts on a weekly theme, interspaced with calmly paced brushing instructions every 40 seconds, ‘switch your brushing to the other side of the top of your mouth and don’t forget the molars!” It’s like this… 

SFX - Clip from choppers with kids brushing teeth.

ANDY

SO my kids are five and seven, and we are liking the show, it’s taking the heat off me having to hover over them although sometimes it gets too interesting or funny and they just stop brushing and just listen so it’s not exactly perfect but it does get them to the bathroom at a clip because they don’t want to miss the show. Sometimes they love it and sometimes it’s clearly too educational and they feel cheated like I’ve tricked them into extra school. Like we just had Science week and they made me go back and play episodes from Stand up week by Weds… Here’s the kids review… 

SIERRA

I like the funny episodes with all the comedians. Some shows like Science week are not as interesting…

BLAISE

I liked poetry week and the funny ones…

ANDY

The good thing is that it has been going for a couple of years now so you can go back into the archive and find a weekly subject that the kids want to listen to. Mine just want the jokes episodes and I’m fine with pulling them out, because they are brushing instead of running around the house in the daily pre-bed energy explosion. SO CHOMPERS gets 5 stars two thumbs up and some laughing gas and a dentist drill.

Sfx - radio static - People eating, conversational hubbub, Peacock yodel

CLUB COMPARE

Welcome to the Peacock Lounge. Non-stop comedy while you eat. Six drink minimum, discount for military personnel who can prove they’ve pissed on a dead Iraqi.

SFX - Restaurant / Bar noise

COMEDIAN

What do you get if you cross a Jamaican Psychotherapist with an English Mathematician?… Malcom Gladwell… OK ok What do you get if you cross an FBI agent from Albany and a Daughter of the American Revolution?… Ann Coulter… OK ok… what do you get if you cross Malcom Gladwelll and Ann Coulter? I don’t know man - fucking government red tape. They won’t approve my permits, and if I attempt to lure the pair of them to a breeding room at the Marriott at Hilton Head I’ve been told I’ll be charged with stalking, abduction and miscegenation - which is apparently still on the books in some Southern States. It’s bullshit. This country is supposed to be free, but I’ve got news for you. It isn’t. Not if you want to pursue science down all its sticky twists and turns. So we can only speculate… it would probably look something like this… a skeleton with an afro that’s really good at Macro Economics but is a bit racist… OH yes going on laugh. But that’s not going to win me the Nobel Prize.

Sfx - radio static - strange hold music - phone beep

PlUTOCRACY

Plutocracy Hotline, how can I help you, this is Brad speaking…

SENATOR

We’ve told them we can’t afford universal healthcare but we’ve just bailed out the rich with the 3rd Trillion Dollar relief package in 12 years! And nurses are dying because we still don’t have proper testing or protective equipment.

PLUTOCRACY

Calm down Senator! Pelosi and the Mercers will help force the poor back to work and the stock market is already rebounding…They won’t blame the system. They see food banks in the richest country on earth and say ‘That’s what socialism looks like’ without thought or irony. They are just coal to the capitalist furnace. Go help Biden kill the #Metoo

SFX -  radio static - Top of the pops - Gil Scott Heron NY is Killing me

TRUMP

I’m not a Dr.

Hydroxychloroquine

I’m not a Dr

Hydroxychloroquine

I’m not a Dr

We’re looking at somethings getting bleach inside the body…

I’m not a Dr

Radio Static

SFX - ANDY’S PHONE - VOICEMAIL MESSAGE ‘this is Andy’s phone - leave a message’ BEEP. Youtube Video

BERNIE

“COMRADE ANDY! Like a lot of people, I hear you’re having trouble getting behind Joe Biden and you’re sad I’ve suspended my campaign to be the Democratic nominee in November… LOOK, I had to suspend my campaign because THE DNC, controlled by the Evil Trade Federation, was going to keep forcing people to go in person to the polls during a pandemic that is killing thousands of Americans every day and also, ours was the only campaign filling Baseball Stadiums and doing actual door to door in person outreach in Latino Communities. In spite of how CNN and MSNBC and well pretty much everyone portrayed me as Joseph Stalin... I will not have blood on my hands. Especially as they were just going to rat fuck me out of the nomination at the convention anyway. As to Joe Biden… Let me tell you Andy. I’ve known Joe Biden for over forty years and he always sends me the most kind and thoughtful gifts on Holocaust Memorial Day… a cuckoo clock, a coupon for a Segway Tour of Monticello... a jar of pickles one time… LOOK, when I first came to the Senate, he was the only senator willing to show me where the Jewish bathroom was, and more than that, it was lunch and I was eating a Hebrew National hotdog and reading a copy of the constitution with my other hand. And he came into the Jewish Bathroom of the Senate with me, all the way down the stairs, behind the scary black marble statue of Abe Lincoln freeing hundreds of black slaves like vampire bats from his demonic cloak, AND he held my PENIS while I continued to enjoy my Hebrew National hotdog and read the fortifying words of our slave owning founding fathers. AND LET ME TELL YOU. It’s no easy thing to hold another man’s penis while he expels the liquid waste from his bladder while eating a hotdog… but Joe was an experienced and steady hand! He even managed a little shake without getting a drop of piss on any of our four shoes… or the dresses of our interns. In fact, his eagerness to help me in the Jewish Bathroom during my freshman year in the senate made me think he might be a closeted homosexual, maybe even so far in the closet that he’d broken through to Narnia and was rimming Mr. Tumnus… But then, as I watched him, over the years, inappropriately touching women and girls over and over and even sniffing them at times like a hungry witch that lives in a house made of candy,  I realized that it is JUST HIS WAY! It’s just Joe. It’s just what he does and as my time in the Jewish Bathroom of the senate proves, he’s an equal opportunity groper! So when you vote for him in November, and the rich people and the Evil Trade Federation give you no choice, you should know that not only will you be voting for the lesser of two evils but the lesser of two rapists! And I know you’re sad but I really want you to know this. Joe’s heart, whatever the evidence of your own eyes and what has been documented in the transcripts of history, Joe’s heart is golden and true. IT’S HIS BRAIN WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT! it’s as holy as swiss cheese and only concerned with protecting the interests of the medical insurance lobby. But there’s nothing unusual about that! Both parties in our United States of Money - are only concerned with protecting the financial interests of the medical insurance lobby. SO come November, be sure to do the right thing and vote blue no matter who Comrade Andy, and I’ll see you at the barricades!” 

SFX - VOICEMAIL BEEP.

ANDY

Wow, well, what to say, I guess I’ve been told! Still not sure what I’ll do actually, it all feels like it’s far from settled, kind of unprecedented in many ways, on top of the pandemic and the economy tanking… I think the problem I have with ‘VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO’ is that it sounds a little bit like what the pigs did at the end of animal farm - how they just changed all the commandments of fairness and justice into one sick, self serving slogan that just entrenches the status quo or The Evil Trade Federation as Bernie just put it… yeah he went a bit star wars there, I like it - MAY the 4th be with you or Happy May the Sith or whatever, and yeah - that might be a good way to see it. With Biden and Corporate Democrats being one side of the Clone Wars in an ultimately stage managed phony war between red flavored lobbyist White House or Blue Flavored Lobbyist white house, both sides united on stiffing the people. I mean can you even claim to be for the resistance if you actually were the ones who built the cages at the border that Trump is using as you did but with admittedly way more relish and zeal. Are you the resistance if you designed and enacted the Criminal justice bill that ripped Black Communities apart, the very legislation that HRC defended with her Super Predators comment that she never managed to really overcome. And are you really the resistance if you’re now using GOP talking points and tactics to kill the ME TOO movement. A movement which was at heart a way to recognize the hideous power and inequality of the patriarchy in its systematic treatment, exploitation and silencing of women. Which we all witness and see - and you shouldn’t be able to unsee so easily because of some political calculation to save the Medical Insurance Lobby and keep the White House in the hands of Capitalist Extremists. Yeah, I don’t know. It’s madness. And have you actually heard Biden lately - it’s really kind of scary… I don’t know what the DNC is playing at, I fully expect him to claim he fixed Flint’s Water and take credit for single handedly fighting off those pesky Indians at Standing Rock… I don’t know… Anyway. there is a youtube video with animation of the Bernie Call - if you want to check it out… link in the show notes on the website and in the transcript when I get around to it…

Music - Everything is Permitted - Mario Rom’s Interzone

ANDY

So that’s a wrap. Thanks for listening. If you enjoy the show. Please spread the word. Tell one person. Pick your fav episode and have them give it a listen… And if you you want to help out, buy me a coffee by clicking the link in the show notes and on the webpage…. The Jazz is from Mario Rom’s Interzone. I don’t know who’s providing your jazz but I think you switch to these cats. I hope your managing the corona virus lock down OK, I hope your managing to get outside in a socially distant kind of way, I hope your cutting yourself a lot slack and managing to laugh and share loving moments everyday with friends and family, either in your homes or online. Let me know if you’ve found any podcasts you’ve been enjoying and I’ll give them a listen and share them on the show. Until next time…  BBBBBBBye.