Episode #15

Andy's Podcaster Podcasting Podcast Transcript

Episode #15

Drama Pods II

Intro Music

ANDY

It’s Andy’s Podcaster Podcasting Podcast… 1212 Episode 15

ANDY

Previously on Andy’s Podcaster Podcasting Podcast….

Super cut of lemon assimilation emergency recall bit from episode 14.

SIRI

11.43 AM

ANDY

Welcome to the show. It’s been a tough week…  I’ve just come off a call with my Dr’s office. I’m really annoyed. I just want to punch something. Ok… calm calm calm let me try to explain… Jen’s back, which is just great, obviously. And she’s been a rock, she’s managed not to totally freak the fuck out. Even though kids have clearly been affected - by the shower gel, not badly, but they’ve both been having a series of weird  lemon dreams, Blaise more than Sierra… 

BLAISE

I had another one of those Golden Lemon Dreams… we were all living in trash… and you had a lemon head as big as Space and you said Lemons. And you were louder than Thunder…

ANDY

I’m trying not to freak out, but my interpretation of this one in particular is clear… We are going to lose the house and end up living in trash because we are going to have to spend all our money on medical bills. It happens. I’m frankly so furious at the whole medical system in this country. For profit health care, not health care to make people better, health care to make profit. I rushed them both to their Pediatrician but they didn’t find anything wrong, in fact they were quite rude and patronizing with me tbh. ‘Mr Newsham - children dream about funny things all the time…’ They didn’t know anything about the recall or the alert message urging us to seek medical attention. At least my Dr was a lot more concerned with me. Since my symptoms are clearly observable. You just can’t ignore the growth on my neck that is getting bigger all the time - and is very yellow… They took biopsy of it, cut off a teeny little bit and sent it to the lab. So I’m worried about it for days and it’s getting bigger and the lemon sweats are so acidic if gets into my eyes I’m like temporarily blinded. So, driving is a risk. And then just now - I hear back from the doctors office - not my doctor - a nurse practitioner in the office… SO SO INCREDIBLY MADDENING… I called them up, they put me on hold… 

Sfx - accordion music Kindly provided by Moshe Zucker and sound quality degraded in studio and made to sound muzak played through a phone. Learn accordion, buy sheet music and share your passion here.

ANDY

It’s broken. I hate this fucking song.

Nurse

Can you just confirm your medical record number please….

Andy

Sure… err 617845987213456900/298 BCT \819078342907624000821 and err looks like the symbol for Pie… 

Nurse

Thank-you - please hold.

Sfx - accordion hold muzak

ANDY

’NOOOOOOOoooooo shitt… You look like Danny Devito and you dance like a crab in long pants…’ 

Nurse

‘Excuse me’ 

andy

‘Oh hi - do you know your hold music is broken.’

Nurse

‘Yes…’ 

Andy

‘Ok you have my results….’ 

Nurse

‘Well Mr. Newsham, good news… It’s negative.’ 

Andy

‘Right, so what does that mean?’ 

Nurse

‘It’s not cancer.’ 

Andy

‘That’s good but erm what is it then?’ 

Nurse

‘It just says negative - benign.’

Andy

‘Yeah… but it’s still a lemon growing out of my neck. And I’m not a Lemon tree and the Dr said he would send it for tests…’

Nurse

‘He did, it’s not cancer.’

Andy 

‘Right but what is it… and frankly there many other ways to die and its clear we need to find out what it is right…’

Nurse

‘Most people are happy to hear they don’t have cancer’ 

Andy

‘Right, if they are worried about cancer… but I’m not, I’m worried about the lemon growing out of my neck… 

nurse

‘Please hold’

andy

NO NO No… 

Sfx - accordion hold muzak

ANDY

It’s crazy. I eventually got another appointment with my Dr and I’m wearing a big old cravat now, to cover it up. I don’t know what to do, guess I’ll just try to barrel through the episode…

Music - rise of the black centipede - Mario rom’s interzone

ANDY

Its… Review… Time… Mmmmmwahahahahahahahahahahaha

AnDY

Music - Rise of the Black Centipede - Mario Rom’s Interzone

ANDY

Reviewing two more drama shows this week. And it is my pleasure to start out with one of the most influential and major shows in modern Podcasting history - the long running powerhouse that is Welcome to Night Vale. In case you don’t know the show it is a cult comedy sci-fi fantasy - created by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner in 2012. The first twenty or thirty episodes were very much a bedroom production, recorded by the star of the show, Cecil Baldwin voicing the main protagonist in one long single take and the show has grown steadily ever since then like the widening grin of THE SMILING GOD - Praise be his name - May his smile grow so big it blacks out the sun and swallows all the sorrow of the universe. Yeah - so the show has a super concept - Cecil plays a community radio announcer in a creepy desert town out West, I always picture 29 Palms or one of those weird abandoned resorts around the Salton Sea. And the town of Night Vale is situated in the Twilight Zone district and sat on a Buffy-Esque hell portal and is also home to every possible conspiracy theory and Lovecraftian monster invasion you can think of. But Cecil holds it all together with the cunning matter of fact delivery of an old time radio ham… And he embellishes his deadpan straight man style at times with a darker and more sinister tone as required to advance the plot or mine the laughter….

It’s just great world-building and they throw in some good satire as well - with funny adverts and announcements from all America’s best Corporate entities, from Six Flags to the NRA. But the core of the show is spinning off the droll Neil Gayman / Terry Pratchet Joss Weedon - style presentation of Magical Realism meeting the mundane - It’s Classic BATHOS peddling … Ah Bathos - Pathos’s younger and funnier brother… uh ho Golem’s here…

SFX - golem runs up.

Golem

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT BATHOS IS.

ANDY

Of course they do.

GOLEM

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT BATHOS IS…

ANDY

IT is the effect of an anticlimax created by an unintentional or humorously intended lapse or shift in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous. And I’ve told you before - I have a very clever audience.

GOLEM

YOU DON’T HAVE AN AUDIENCE. NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU.

ANDY

OUT GO ON - BACK TO MOUNT DOOM. YOU SLIMY FISH MAN.

SFX - slapping golem on nose with newspaper, golem running away.

ANDY

Sorry about that… that’s me slapping Golem on the nose with a rolled up newspaper… how do you get rid of your Gloem? so where were we - Welcome to Night Vale - the show started well and took off to the point now their pushing up on 160 episodes and they’re are now a big production house spinning off many other great shows. And they have a touring live action radio show, revitalizing the old Firesign Theatre tours of college campuses, having built a following like The Grateful Dead, a huge bedrock of fans who feed the work by buying merchandise. In the beginning you had The Goonshow and then other BBC dramas like The Hitchhikers Guide and other here you’ve Wolfman Jack who could get pretty surreal and elaborate with his bits between records at times and then Firesign Theatre and Ken Nordine out of Chicago and then you’ve got Welcome to Nightvale and now its spawned and inspired hundreds of new shows and podcasts. And it’s of course now been picked up for TV adaptation for FX, with Breaking Bad writer Alum - Gennifer Hutchson. What else… oh yes-  It’s also created one of the most wonderful gay romantic relationships in a long running drama - which is important and not to be over-looked in Post -stonewall America but this is still a very much a Homophobic place for all the small gradual advancements to gay rights. And its not just a liberal virtue piec, it’s a really good love story, from initial attraction to the nervous courtship through tragic separation to now when we’re just starting to see a few cracks as a sort of domestic boredom and the nuts and bolts of long term cohabitation kicks in… One half of the couple, Carlos the scientist, is played by Dylan Marron - the brilliant social justice media activist - but I think - more on him later.  SO I picked up and started listening to this show in San Diego, around 2013 or so. The first years when Podcasting starting to pick up when Dave Winer and Adam Curry’s hacked apple script led to the RSS feed being able to auto-update content directly into your iTunes and iPod. Remember when iTunes worked? Before they had to break it to maximize earning potential. Stop it from being a useful digital cupboard and player of music you owned into a frustrating capitalist dreamscape of constant trapdoors into stores and adverts for other music you must have. Well, I subscribed to Night Vale and it uploaded direct and it was such a breath of fresh air to reconnect with good funny, subversive radio again. But something happened… after about forty or so episodes… I stopped listening. It kept updating and downloading but I wasn’t listening to the show. I’ve gone back now for the review and picked up some of the newer shows, checked back in, and I’ve enjoyed them but I’m not sure I’m going to become a regular again if I’m being honest with you, So I suppose, I’m going to have to try understand why I fell out of love with the show. Maybe, I think maybe the joke structure, the bathos and the narratives started to feel repetitive to me - it’s at 160 episodes - So can I somehow recognize it’s immense worth but also acknowledge that I may have had enough at the 50 or so that I’ve enjoyed? How can I now rate it, what can I tell you?… I need help… I’m going to call William… you remember, he’s my blind friend I met through that community scheme, anyway… he’s a huge Night Vale fan, think he’s listened to every episode…

William

Hello?

ANDY

Hey William. It’s me.

WILLIAM

Oh, hi Andy… It’s not Thursday is it?

ANDY

No… it’s Monday…

William

Hey, I was just reading that magazine you got me!

ANDY

Oh… Juggling the Void?

WILLIAM

Yes, the err… magazine for Nihilist Street Performers.

ANDY

Great!

WILLIAM

I was going to ask you… it’s very heavy and… the… err quality of the braille is really really good… I mean, I hope it wasn’t too expensive ?

ANDY

Oh No… Don’t worry about it…

WILLIAM

Because… I know braille books are expensive and, I do like it… but, if you’re going to be getting me any gifts, you can’t go wrong with Danish…

ANDY

Honestly, don’t worry, - it was a buy one subscription get one free and I saw there was a braille version so I just ticked the box for you. In fact, I didn’t even pay for it. I used some Air Miles that were going to expire.

WILLIAM

Air Miles?

ANDY

Yeah. Air miles… (sigh) you don’t know what they are…

They are a thing you get from airlines… like a loyalty program… a promotion to keep you flying with them… that’s the theory anyway… So, you buy a plane ticket and you get Air Miles that you can save up… and if you get so many you can trade them in for free flights or if you only have a few miles - like I did for BOING airlines - you can trade them in for magazine subscriptions…

WILLIAM

I don’t understand.

ANDY

What don’t you understand?

WILLIAM

You flew on a plane and they gave you a subscription to Juggling the Void?

ANDY

Well.. Yeah. You got it.

WILLIAM

And because you flew on a plane I also get a subscription to Juggling the Void?

ANDY

… look, it sounds stranger than it is. But the main thing is - Do you like it?

WILLIAM

… ( ) err yeah… sure

ANDY

Did you get the Holiday Special… with the article on the Jewish Satanists?

WILLIAM

Yes! I never realized how hard it is for them.

ANDY

Right - because if you turn the Star of David upside down… it just looks like

WILLIAM & ANDY

A regular Star of David!

ANDY

Man. Those Jewish Satanist have it tough!

WILLIAM

I know…

ANDY

Anyway - I’m calling about Welcome to Night Vale - I’m reviewing it on this weeks show and I know it’s one of your favorites so I wanted to get your take on it…

WILLIAM

I love it… funny… desert bluffs… Carlos and Cecil is some moving stuff… I like how the traffic is always an existential rumination on traffic rather than and actual report. I like The Weather, the music is always excellent. I like the Hip Hop, I’m more of a Stepenwolf ‘Get Your Motor Running Type Guy’ but they really find some gems. I give it five stars and one to grow on and a big ol’ jar o sand… since they are in the desert.

Sfx big old jar of sand thudding on table.

ANDY

Great and I give it five stars and a Garrison Keillor being buried alive…

Sfx garrison Keillor buried alive jabbering about some lake woebegone shit.

ANDY

Thanks man. That’s a big help.

WILLIAM

Glad to be of service. Have you heard from your friend?

ANDY

Which one?

William

The one with the tattoo of the death star made out of cocks?

Andy

No.

WILLIAM

Oh, that’s a shame…

Andy

Yes, it is…

WILLIAM

I really wish more than anything that I could see it…

ANDY

What… the tattoo?

William

Yeah.

Andy

More than anything?

WILLIAM

Yes

ANDY

Seriously?

WILLIAM

Yes

ANDY

William, you’ve been blind from birth, You’ve never seen anything right?

WILLIAM

Correct.

ANDY

And that’s what you wish you could see? More than anything?

WILLIAM

It sounds unique.

ANDY

More than a sunset in the Sierras, more than the ocean? Or the Grand Canyon? Or the grey whale Migration in Baja? More than the pyramids or a kitten… or a kitten at sunset on a pyramid in the Sierras?

William

…Yes… it sounds amazing.

Andy

Well… It certainly is that…

William

Do you think he’d let me feel his face?

ANDY

Who?

WILLIAM

Your friend. I was thinking, it would be great, if I could touch his face while you talk to him about the tattoo and then I’d really get to experience how he feels about it…

ANDY

Let me get this straight… You want to touch his face - while I tease him about his Death Star Cock Tattoo?

WILLIAM

Yes… Picture it. I’d be laughing and you’d be laughing and you know… I’d feel all over his face and I’d get to… really feel his… exquisite… annoyance.

ANDY

No… I I really don’t think he’ll be up for that tbh…

WILLIAM

You don’t know how hard it is being blind. There’s just so much I feel like I’m missing.

ANDY

Oh I don’t think you’re missing much William. But it’s moot anyway since he’s stopped returning my calls.

WILLIAM

That’s a shame…

ANDY

Yes it is, look I’ve got to go…

WILLIAM

Well, I just hope you finally learn your lesson this time…

ANDY

What’s that supposed to mean?

WILLIAM

Well, you can be a real dick sometimes, you know…

ANDY

OK, William. Thanks a lot, I’ll see you Thursday…

WILLIAM

Will you bring some…

ANDY

Yes, I’ll bring danish.

WILLIAM

Almond Danish?

ANDY

Bye William.

SFX CALL HANG UP.

ANDY

Ok next up is a show from the Night Vale production house in conjunction with WNYC - The ORBITING HUMAN CIRCUS of The AIR… The show takes you to a world in which there is an immense variety show called The Orbiting Human Circus that is broadcast out from the top of the Eiffel Tower, and it’s a beautiful whimsical and imaginative trip, but we only know about it through the lowly janitor of the Eiffel Tower - the protagonist - Julian and his efforts to get close to the show that usually backfires and causes all kinds of mayhem. The main narrative comes through a rich, imagined personal narrator inside Julian’s head, voiced by Drew Callander. You’ll hear about the Great Resuscitatng Platypus of the North and hear music from the Orchestral a rare bird who can make the sound of every instrument in the orchestra and the sound design is rich and engaging and this show is an absolute sonic feast. It’s hard to adequately explain it since it hits you like a fever dream. It’s created by Julian Koster a musician and writer you may know from his work with Jeff Mangum’s Neutral Milk Hotel and other psychedelic folk projects. He likes making saws sing, he has a glorious obsession with an imagined classic radio era, a deeply nostalgic feeling for a world filled with magic and Belle Epoch charm and motifs. If director Wes Anderson made a podcast it would be like this. Think of the work of Leyland Kirby’s Caretaker albums - how they are terrifying dreams of nostalgia and melancholy-  but then add a stronger and more playful narrative core, so The Caretaker’s Empty Bliss Beyond This World meets The Beatles Being for The Benefit of Mr. Kite. If there is a flaw, I spoken to a few people and it’s perhaps that you might not like the voice of Julian, it might be a bit too wet and whiny, like Moaning Myrtil or Tiny Tim. It’s difficult, in extended audio drama , you can need to hook the ear with a lot of different and interesting voices. And some of them are not going to work for everyone. Also the plotting of the actual story could be stronger. But that’s not why you should listen to the show anyway. This is a beautiful piece of sonic art and storytelling. I’m looking forward to listening to this again with the kids on a camping trip next year. It’s concentrated fertilizer for the imagination and it’s a treat and more than worth your listening time. You’ve got one season to download and the second season is coming out now. SO The ORBITING HUMAN CIRCUS OF THE AIR - get 5 stars, 2 thumbs up, and a chiseled masterpiece. 

Sfx - radio static - Shobby Taylor - radio static - I’m not a Wizard — radio static - South Dakota Meth Advert - Radio Static - I Heart Radio Awards - Rick Perry claiming Trump is god’s chosen - radio static

Andy

It’s days after I heard that Rick Perry Turd claiming Trump is God’s chosen one - CLAIMING TRUMP IS GODS CHOSEN ONE - and I’m still pissed about it. It’s almost like religion is just a bunch of made up shit designed to control and profit from people! Stifle direct action, divert good intentions into wholly pointless activities like Prayer… I mean, isn’t it funny how Christianity constantly upholds White Supremacy and the status quo? It’s why the slave masters whipped the Gospels into their Black African property. They had no trouble feeding there slaves the Bible because the Bible isn’t anti-slavery. But the President is Gods one chosen now… I seem to remember that it was a very different story when the last guy was in office… The nice Black guy. They did everything they could to thwart him, denigrate his democratically mandated mission. Even stole a supreme court pick from him. And he was a Christian too, no stranger to the church, even hadn’t ever broken any of the ten commandments, not like this Trump guy, but different rules for rich white guys though right? Drug use is at the same rate amongst the races but the jails are full of black guys. The black president even knew all the words to Amazing Grace… Trump thinks Amazing Grace is about some hooker he used to see in College. All hail Trump, God’s chosen one. Makes the Smiling God from Night Vale seem like a sane option.

I’ve had more from that Russian guy in Florida, from The Scene by Scene podcast. I gave him a bad review and he responded by taking my logo and putting out an episode calling me stupid. Then I think I - offhandedly - called him a troll. Nad now it’s escalated… have a listen. I mean wow.. I’ve really got under his skin… I always knew there was going to a bit of conflict from time to time, as a Podcast Reviewer - I mean - let’s be honest, Podcasts vary a lot, but I figure I’d be honest, try and work in the form to earn my way, I do have a fair amount of rage and invective to express, Ben Shapiro and Joel Osteen podcast reviews will be forthcoming,  but I think I was pretty mild on this guy to be honest… and now his eating doughnuts at me involving me in some kind of mental breakdown?  So I was going to continue with more Drama podcasts but now next week I think I’m going to review Conversations With People Who Hate Me. It’s from the Night Vale production house and its from Dylan Marron - the social justice youtube warrior. He does these amazing unboxing videos - where he unpacks big concepts like - Privilege and Police Brutality and he as you can guess gets a lot of shit from people. So in this podcast he goes and contacts the people who’ve attacked him and tries to find some simple, common ground. I’ve started listening and it’s a bit of a revelation. Full review next week and maybe I can figure out a way to reach out to Vladislav in Florida. Turn our dialogue into something more productive.

Music - everything is permitted - Mario rom’s interzone

ANDY

So - That’s a wrap.

Thanks for listening. If you like the show please spread the word, leave a five star review with a comment in the review section of whatever podcatcher you’re using to listen to me. And if you want to help out, you can buy me a coffee by hitting the link on the webpage and in the show notes.

The Jazz is provided by Mario Rom’s Interzone - I don’t know who’s providing your Jazz but I think you should switch to these cats.

Andy’s Podcaster Podcasting is sponsored by the American Shoe Council. December is Winklepicker awareness month. The pointed shoe, invented in the 1950’s for the Rock and Roll scene with a long pointed snout like a periwinkle knife used to winkle out a sort of disgusting jelly shell fish from it’s… husk. They really want me to say husk… Ok… Winklepickers. A whap bap a doo da a dap bam shoes… seriously - well I’ve read it, I hope your happy.

Thanks for listening, have a great week, whenever you’re at. Catch you later. Tamara-Bit.