1. Brown vs Board of Education?
a) I don’t see why this is an issue, they can’t afford to come to our private schools that maintain our supremacy by hoarding wealth, power and privilege anyway so… whatever.
b) Children should have equal access to the advantages of a good public school education, regardless of their race.
c) Don’t upset the apple cart. Also, you better count those apples now buddy. Then only give them to the white kids. Sure, I suppose they can help pick the apples but remember isn’t it really all about who originally owns the orchard?
d) Is this about the Cleveland Browns? I’m sure they’ll be the next on the chopping block now they got rid of the Redskins and chief wahoo. Well I for one will not be pressured by some woke mob shouting that every damn thing is racist. Especially once we change the first amendment to stop you protesting near us.
2. Gay Marriage?
a) I would never marry a gay. What does my Church and the Christian Taliban claim Jesus said? Who’s paying my off my credit card debt? Hmmm, well, whatever they want.
b) The quality of love is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. It is twice blessed, it blesseth him that gives and him that takes… Wait, that sounds a little fruity, look, what I’m saying is I’m for gay marriage.
c) Marriage is a legal contract outlining the ownership, possession and the continuance of property rights. The precedence is very clear and established.
d) I’m against it. And while we’re at it, we should also look at Loving vs Virginia too. This would effect me personally and I would be really happy to abide by the courts decision to have my marriage annulled.
3. Gonzales vs The Town of Castle Rock
a) Blue lives matter OK. I owe them a lot to be honest. They can never be sued or held accountable in any way.
b) So the police are not required to enforce restraining orders now? This is just another horrible madness that will cost the lives of even more children.
c) Let me drive you crazy by quibbling and brow beating you over the legal definition of the word ‘shall’. The law is whatever I say it is. Also, I’m from Yale, you will know us by the trail of the dead.
d) ‘Gonzalez’ you say… well, I think you know which way this one is going to go.
4. Roe vs Wade
a) I know I said it was settled law under oath but… psych. I’m a good Catholic just like the President and speaker of the house!
b) Women should be in control their own bodies. There are more juggalos on the planet than polar bears so I’m not sure I believe in your definition of the ‘miracle’ of life.
c) Just you wait until we get the numbers up with a stolen seat and a good god fearing handmaiden on the court. Also, as per p34 of the leak, we really need to talk about the ‘Domestic Supply of Infants’ if we’re going to address the ‘Great Replacement’ and attack China.
d) Look, my wife has picked sides and you know what they say about having a happy home right?
5. Citizens United
a) Corporations are people too and by that I mean a few very rich people’s votes are worth way more than the votes of many millions of poor people.
b) This is the worst. So we’re now we’re the best democracy that money can buy? Is ‘for profit democracy’ still ‘democracy’. When do we stop saying ‘democracy’ and start saying ‘oligarchy’. Oh right, never, because they own all the media too. Keep running that story about saving our ‘democracy’ over and over again to keep the donations flowing and hope there’s eventually a glitch in the matrix.
c) The founding fathers developed the constitution to protect the rights of rich slave owning land owners. I don’t see why this is even controversial. Have you even read The Federalist Papers?
d) This is the United States of Money. With the best legal system money can buy. But hey, let me drop some trigger words on you. ‘Communism!’, ‘Freedom!’, ‘In God We Trust!’ and other thought terminating cliches!
Mostly A’s - Oh no, you’re Brett Kavanaugh! That’s right you’re the beer swilling rapey bro dude who had his massive credit card debts paid for by unknown parties that were definitely, in no way, bribe type dealings or heritage lobbyist blood money from daddy that amount to the same thing and should have disqualified him from all legal benches immediately. But, this is DC, we’ve outlawed the concept and use of the word ‘bribes’, it’s all ‘campaign donations’ or ‘lobby fees’ now. Funnily enough, ‘campaign donations’ and ‘lobby fees’ just happen to be perfectly legal!
Mostly B’s - You may just be the bestest girl boss ever, congratulations, you’re Ruth Bader Ginsberg! You’re so cute you even rock antique ruff collars. You climbed up the hard way because this is a hideous patriarchy that chips away at you EVERY DAMN DAY. You would smash every glass ceiling in the world if we let you, sugar buns. But you also know your limits, namely merchandizing a fake resistance from the grave! The grave you would be probably be spinning in if we hadn’t had Amy Coney Barrett stake you in place through the heart.
Mostly C’s - You’re an old frustrated out of touch boomer husk filled with spite and pompous self importance. You are Samuel Alito or Antonin Scalia or some kind of hideous mutant Brundlefly of the two, which is basically what Neil Gorsuch will become in ten years. Your favorite phrase just might be, ‘it’s my way or the high way,’ even though we shouldn’t even be letting you drive anymore let alone decide the fate and happiness of millions. It’s not so much that you hate modern women as they intimidate you and its a defense mechanism now to try and put them back in their biblically outlined place.
Mostly D’s - Grab yourself an extra slice of cheesecake, you’re Clarence Thomas! You’re a lover not a fighter. But also not much of a lover actually. You tried but… err actually it never happened. Thanks Joe! God, my wife is pissed. She’s going to kill all you motherfuckers. Look, just tell me how to vote and what to write ok, I’ll do it.
Juggalos are pretty cool, y’know.